My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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