he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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