i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
