Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
