your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
