the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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