Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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