Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,

Fav 13 1097 3703
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(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

Fav 25 1447 11855
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(516): View more from New York

i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car

Fav 27 1618 5985
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(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

Fav 10 1305 4349
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

Fav 4 2820 1036
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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.

Fav 11 976 1396
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(850): View more from Florida

I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

Fav 6 1613 697
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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o

Fav 1 482 400
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(510): View more from California

He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.

Fav 0 17 25
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