This is not my ceiling
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
