I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
