I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
