we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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