Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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