my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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