i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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