During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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