I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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