i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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