Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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