Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
