My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
