i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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