he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
