i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
