I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
