yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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