please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
