Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
