he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
