I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
