I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
