My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Houston, we have a squirter
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
