It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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