New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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