I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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