Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
