No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
