Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
