I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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