They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
