Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
