Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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