I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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