you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
