I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
