Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize