Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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