Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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