If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
