Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
