he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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