I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
