Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
