Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
