Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This house was built for laser tag.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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