I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
