if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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