Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
