i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
