my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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