First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
