I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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