when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Randomize
