Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
