I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
