It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
