Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
